The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
