Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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