you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We left the knife in your bed.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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