Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I did not marry a roomba.
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