woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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