I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
