Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
