Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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