Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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