He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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