There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
