I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
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