I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
