Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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