So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Randomize
