When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
