i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
