Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
