All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
