Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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