he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
