She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
