It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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