Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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