sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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