I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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