I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
