getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
