mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
