dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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