I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
