so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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