I just made out with a guy for $7.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
