Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
