My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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