I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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