The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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