I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
