this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
