They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just had sex bonerless
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
