so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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