Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
