Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
