mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
