I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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