youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
