thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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