Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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