Can Purell be used as lube?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize