It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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