no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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