I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
