I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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