Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
