I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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