I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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