Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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