if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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