If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There r osticjed everywhere
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
